The 58 funniest movie quotes of all time

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Comedy is subjective, but there are a few things that we can all agree are pretty funny.

Like those movie lines! Which, thanks to the screenwriters who wrote them and the actors who delivered them, are among the funniest ever written for the screen:

1.

“It’s just a flesh wound.” – John Cleese as The Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

2.

“Gentlemen, you cannot fight here. This is the war room!” —Peter Sellers as President Merkin Muffley in Doctor Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

3.

“Did you just look at me? Did you? Look at me! Look at me! How dare you? Close your eyes!” – Olivia Colman as Queen Anne in The favourite (2018)

4.

“It’s mahogany!” –Elizabeth Banks as Effie Trinket in The hunger Games (2012)

5.

“You read my diary?” “At first I didn’t know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.” —Kristen Wiig and Rebel Wilson as Annie and Brynn in bridesmaids (2011)

6.

“That’s it, shame! Shame on your whole family! Shame on you, shame on your cow!” – Eddie Murphy as Mushu in mulan (1998)

7.

“One day you’ll get a bitch, and I won’t do anything about it.” – Daryl Mitchell as Mr. Morgan in 10 things I hate about you (1999)

8th.

“By all means move at an icy pace. You know how excited I am about that.” —Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestly in The devil Wears Prada (2006)

9.

“Yeah, you just take Soupy Sales to prom. I can think of so many cooler things to do tonight. you know what A truck full of hot garbage juice, you know? Because all of those things would be exponentially cooler than going to prom with you. —Elliot Page as Juno MacGuff in Juno (2007)

10

“I’m a man!” “Well, nobody’s perfect.” – Jack Lemmon and Joe E. Brown as Jerry and Osgood in Some like it hot (1959)

11.

“Excuse my French, but Cameron’s so tense that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass you’d have a diamond in two weeks.” – Matthew Broderick as Ferris Bueller in Ferris turns blue (1986)

12.

“Can I just have the one mahi instead of the mahi mahi because I’m not that hungry?” -Anna Farris as Shelley Darlingson in The pet rabbit (2008)

13.

“I’m serious… and don’t call me Shirley.” – Leslie Nielsen as Dr. Rumack in Airplane! (1980)

14

“You’re a virgin who can’t drive.” – Brittany Murphy as Tai in clueless (1995)

fifteen.

“Will you marry me? Did he leave you money? Answer the second question first.” – Groucho Marx as Rufus T. Firefly in duck soup (1933)

16

“I’m in a glass case full of emotions!” – Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy in Moderator: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

17

“What is that? A center for ants?” – Ben Stiller as Derek Zoolander in Zoolander (2001)

18

“‘Greater Good?’ I’m your wife! I’m the greatest good you’ll ever get!” —Kimberly Adair Clark as Honey Best in The Incredibles (2004)

19

“It’s not a man’s handbag. Her name is Satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.” – Zach Galifianakis as Alan Garner in the Hangover (2009)

20

“Oh right, calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. …I’ve worn clothes with higher IQs.” — Jamie Lee Curtis as Wanda in A fish named Wanda (1988)

21

“Get lost!” –Cher as Loretta Castorini in moonstruck (1987)

22

“Don’t point the gun at him. He’s an unpaid intern.” – Bill Murray as Steve Zissou in Aquatic Life with Steve Zissou (2004)

23

“Leave the gun. Have the cannoli.” – Richard S. Castellano as Clemenza in The Godfather (1972)

24

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” – Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura in Ace Ventura: Animal Detective (1994)

25

“Bye, Felicia” – Ice Cube as Craig Jones in Friday (1995)

26

“If we get more white people in here, it’ll be a suburb.” —Queen Latifah as Motormouth Maybelle in hairspray (2007)

27

“If I had a cock, that would be the part where I would tell you to suck it.” – Betty White as Delores Bickerman in Lake Placid (1999)

28

“Ariel, you’re under a lot of pressure down here.” —Samuel E. Wright as Sebastian in The little mermaid (1989)

29

“I had it with those damn snakes on that damn plane!” —Samuel L. Jackson as Agent Neville Flynn in Snakes on an airplane (2006)

30

“Americans have truly proven to be a nation of ungrateful; only when we have children can we begin to understand such a dynamic.” – Kate Beckinsale as Lady Susan in love & friendship (2016)

31

“Look that idiot up in the dictionary, you know what you’ll find?” “A picture of me?” “No! The definition of the word idiot, what the fuck you are!” —Val Kilmer and Robert Downey, Jr. as Perry and Harry in Kiss kiss bang bang (2005)

32

“Appearance is everything. Have you ever heard David Beckham speak? It’s like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. Do you think Ryan Reynolds has gotten this far with his superior acting technique? – Ryan Reynolds as Wade Wilson in Dead Pool (2016)

33

You sit on a throne of lies.” – Will Ferrell as Buddy in Eleven (2003)

34

“This job would be great if it weren’t for the damn clients.” – Jeff Anderson as Randal Graves in employee (1994)

35

“She doesn’t even go here!” – Daniel Franzese as Damian Leigh in mean girls (2004)

36

“I make it a habit to do things people say I can’t do: walk through fire, water ski blindfolded, play the piano late.” – Jason Statham as Rick Ford in spy (2015)

37

“Mother, I don’t need a blind date. Especially not with a verbally incontinent spinster who drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney and dresses like her mother.” – Colin Firth as Mark Darcy in The Diary of Bridget Jones (2001)

38

“I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?” – Robert De Niro as Jack Byrnes in Meet the parents (2000)

39

“Here’s the deal. I’m the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning pissing excellence.” – Will Ferrell as Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights: The Ballad by Ricky Bobby (2006)

40

“Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallowing in self-pity; 4:30, staring into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me – I can’t cancel that again; 7:00 am, wrestling with my self-loathing. … I’m booked. Of course, if I increase the disgust to 9, I might finish this in time to be in bed staring at the ceiling and slowly going insane.” —Jim Carrey as the Grinch in How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

41

“I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. He made me feel like I was crazy all the time. One day he tells me it’s my fault he saw other women. So I took a knife and told him it was his fault I stabbed him. Yes, I did serve a little jail time, but it was worth it.” —Queen Latifah as Liz Bailey in live loud (1998)

42

“If you come with us, please refrain from things like ‘preach’ or ‘go girl’ or any other slang term you might have looked up in a city dictionary.” – Regina Hall as Ryan Pierce girl trip (2017)

43

“Don’t give me that tone! That sarcastic, scornful tone that means you know everything because you’re a man and I know nothing because I’m a woman.” – Nathan Lane as Albert in The Birdcage (1996)

44

“I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool.” “I think so about it. If you were to eat a sandwich, you’d just enjoy it more if you knew nobody screwed it up.” – Jonny Brugh and Jemaine Clement as Deacon and Vladislav in What we do in the shadows (2014)

45

“You’re a sad, weird little man, and you have my pity.” — Tim Allen as Buzz Lightyear in toy story (1995)

46

“I like your outfit too, except when I’m dressing up as a stone cold bitch I try not to look so stuffy.” – Reese Witherspoon as Elle Woods in Naturally blond (2001)

47

“According to the map, we only went 4 inches.” – Jeff Daniels as Harry Dunne in Dumb and Dumber (1994)

48

“That rug really held the room together, didn’t it?” – Jeff Bridges as The Dude in The big Lebowski (1998)

49

“You’re dizzy from playing Russian roulette with your vagina.” – Jenny Slate as Donna Stern in obvious child (2014)

50

“My father would make women. He would drink. He’d make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark.” – Mike Myers as Dr. evil in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

51.

“I don’t want to have to read you the riot, but I will have to read you some excerpts from the riot.” – Tom Hollander as Simon Foster in in the loop (2009)

52

“Right now, the killer is surrounded by a web of inference, forensic science, and the latest technology like walkie-talkies and email.” – Steve Martin as Inspector Jacques Clouseau in The Pink Panther (2006)

53

“You know, the bad thing about keeping your mouth closed is that it prevents you from speaking.” “Sure. Unless you’re ventriloquist.” – Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe as Holland March and Jackson Healy in The nice boys (2016)

54

“It’s my least vulnerable spot.” —Humphrey Bogart as Rick Blaine in Casablanca (1942)

55

“Please. Have mercy. I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday.” – Steve Martin as Neal Page in Airplanes, Trains & Cars (1987)

56

“You’re an inanimate damn object!” – Ralph Fiennes as Harry in In Bruges (2008)

57

“He’s so fluffy, I’m going to die!” – Elsie Fisher as Agnes in Despicable Me (2010)

58

“Harry, you might not believe it, but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.” – Meg Ryan as Sally Albright in When Harry met Sally… (1989)

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